Understanding Legal Jargon – A Bluffers Guide – Level 2


Right, we have gone through the basics, so let’s get on with the more nuanced stuff.

In Court

With respect – This has the same meaning as it does in general conversation.   I don’t respect you, your opinion or your comments

My client was in drink – My client was so drunk he had no recollection of who or where he was and can’t recall anything prior to waking up in the police cell, with his trousers round his ankles in a pool of his own dribble

If I can be of any further assistance – I’ve got nothing else to say, really, that’s it

I put it to you – You’re a liar

Do you expect the court to believe that? (usually said to a witness in cross-exxaminaton, with much rolling of the eyes and head tilted on one side) – Really? How stupid do you think I look?

My client is committed to completing the order – My client will reluctantly turn up for Unpaid Work or Probation, will make a half-hearted effort at engaging with you and then slope off home ten minutes early

Christmas plea (not so much as said but an explanation of a Not Guilty plea at any time in December) – He knows he is going to prison but wants to have one last beano over Christmas and the New Year

My client offers his sincerest apologies to and is anxious to make amends for his behaviour – He doesn’t mean it, he is just saying sorry because he hopes that you will give him a more lenient sentence

My client attended court in good time but has been taken unwell – He turned up pissed for court and there is no way I am letting you see him in that state, no good would come of it

My client is fully supported byhis Mother/Partner/Family – His Mother/Partner/Family are here to make sure he gets what he deserves and that they get his bankcard and house keys in case you send him to prison

He co-operated fully with the police in their investigation – Once he had recovered from the effects of the captor spray, had the spit hood and viper straps removed and spent eight hours in the cell sobering up, he made a grudging admission to the offence

From the Bench or The Judge

No, thankyou, you have been most helpful (usually said in response to If I can be of any further assistance) – There is no way I’m asking you anymore questions and have you prattle on again for another ten minutes

We will rise for a short time to consider sentence – Your client is going to prison but as he came in on bail we need a moment to get the dock officers up in case he kicks off

I’m afraid I can’t hear you – What is this person doing before me, where is his wig?

Oh, you are one of those – Good grief, another solicitor/HRA.   What happened to the Bar?

I’m sure your advocate will explain that to you – We really can’t be bothered to go into the detail, and anyway that’s what he gets paid for (thanks to @shabee20)

Would you like some time with your client? – Go away, sort him out and come back and plead guilty like he should have done the first time!

From the Probation Report or Officer

We are unable to recommend any community sentences – Send him to prison

Certainly, a report can be ready in half an hour – Dont worry, I am sure there is a court sitting this afternoon

He has no criminogenic needs – He is a normal bloke, with no real problems but I have this big word on my wordprocessor clipboard

From the Client

Honestly it wasn’t me this time – Of course it was but at the moment I don’t want to admit it

I have not been in trouble with the police for ages – I haven’t been arrested since last Thursday

My last conviction was ages ago – My last conviction was six months ago

It was self-defence – He hit me first so I hit him back in retaliation

I’ve taken a second opinion and they say that you should be doing… – I have spoken to my mates in the pub and they reckon…

I didn’t get the letter with the appointment – I got the letter but didn’t open it and now the envelope has got my shopping list on it

I never drink and drive – I have never been caught behind the wheel whilst pissed before

I want Legal Aid – I don’t see why I should have to pay you, I haven’t done anything wrong

I’m sorry – I’m sorry I got caught

I was in the bath and the tag just came off – I was in the bath and with loads of soap and nearly dislocating my ankle the tag came off so I went to the pub

It was only a bit of personal – It was only a bit of personal if I had a fifty rock crack habit or wanted to spend the next year stoned

(To the police on a Saturday night) – You’re all a bunch of *****, I’m going to beath the sh&t out of you, Come on then it’s going to take ten of you – I am saying all of this now because I’m pissed and all these people are watching, I don’t mean any of it and will apologise to you all in the morning

From the Police

I will just have to run this past my skipper – I can’t make a decision, I don’t want that level of responsibility

Your image will be combined with that of eight others matching your age, description and position in society before being shown to the witness – That photo we took of you will be mixed up with eight other photos of people who in a dark alley, with your eyes closed, in a thunderstorm might possibly look a bit like you

An area search was conducted and your client was arrested as he matched the description given by the witness – When we turned  up your client was the only one in a hoody so we nicked him

Your client smelt strongly of intoxicants and he had difficulty in standing – We opened the car door, the inside smelled like the carpet in the dodgiest boozer in town and he fell out of the door

The victim has provided a statement and is willing to attend court – She has signed the pocket notebook and has told us she never wants to see that bastard again

(Usually traffic officers) I knew he was a wrongun as soon as he drove past me – The ANPR system in the car sounded its yabba dabba doo alarm

Unfortunately the CCTV system didn’t capture the incident – The operator was asleep/having a cup of tea/in the loo and missed the incident

From the LSC

(Every time you ring them) All of our advisors are busy please continue to hold, alternatively check our website as the answer is often on there – We are never going to answer the phone, we have sacked half of the staff, the other half don’t ike talking to anyone as they just get shouted at, you will never find the answer on the website.  Just give up

This will be a three year contract binding on both parties – This is a contract binding on you and if we want to change the terms, payment rates, performance standards then just stop doing legal aid

We value our partners the service providers, you the lawyers – I’ve got my fingers crossed and will stiff you just as soon as I can get away with it

That’s it for this series for now…

Author: crimsolicitor

I am a Criminal Defence Lawyer, committed to providing the best defence I can for those who need it, regardless of their ability to pay...

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