Goldilocks in Burglary Shocker – The Complete Story


Following a twitter exchange here is the result of a collaboration between @bruce2990 and myself.

Goldilocks in Burglary Shocker!

Parts 1 and 3 penned by @Bruce2990 who I thank for permission to reproduce here.

Part 1 -Arrest and Disclosure

(with thanks to @Bruce2990)

Once upon a time in fairy tale land a call came into the CID office…

“What?” growled DS Grimm to his brother who had picked up the phone. “It’s Daddy Bear boss, some bird’s broken into his gaff and she’s only still there”. ” What a bloody liberty” grumbled the DS, “Send round Pc Plod and get her lifted, and while you’re at it, get SOCO to go and check for dabs. I’m off back to the Mags and then I’ve got a S51 at Crown so fit an interview in around that”.

Pc Plod arrived to find Daddy Bear holding on to the suspect, the serial offender Goldilocks. “You’re in the crap now young lady” said Plod, “You’ve only just got out from your second stretch. It’s a minimum three years for you this time.”

“Can’t prove nuffink” Goldilocks spat out, “Was only getting me ‘ead down. Didn’t nick nuffink”

Pc Plod arrested and cautioned Goldilocks and took her to the custody sergeant who banged her up to wait for CID to get back from Court.

In the meantime SOCO Sally had arrived at the Bears house. “Right” she said, “What’s happened then?”

Mummy Bear was trying to console Baby Bear who was wailing over the remains of his chair in the kitchen, “That crack head tart broke in here while we were out before breakfast. She’s eaten all our kids porridge, broken his chair and then passed out upstairs in bed high as a kite. “

SOCO Sally smiled and said, “I’ll just get my bag and see if I can lift some prints. How’d she get in?”

“Bloody gingerbread doors aren’t worth a light” said Daddy Bear, “All that’s left is crumbs”  SOCO Sally threw a bit of powder around and Daddy Bear said “If they ain’t paw marks then they ain’t ours. Don’t forget those spoons either, we hadn’t even used them when we left”.

Back in custody Goldilocks had her calls blocked until CID had finished at court and with the urgent CPS upgrade that should have been submitted the day before it was requested  and could get uniform to help conduct the Section 18 search with the single Response Officer who was free.  Duty brief in the form of @crimsolicitor had been called. She was his seventh to deal with and owing to the low fees he was on he was adamant he wouldn’t be handing any back. He had to make the most of it before the new legal aid laws came in and all he had was phone advice.

“When’s there likely to be some disclosure then?” @crimsolicitor asked the custody sergeant. “You’ll have to wait” the sergeant replied, “they said they’d be down in thirty minutes and that was only two hours ago. Not expecting the suits for at least another hour”.

Time ticked by and eventually Dc Billy Gruff deigned to honour the custody block with his presence. “Alright legal bod” he yawned handing over a typed sheet of paper, “here’s the disclosure, your client’s been found in the gaff, she’s busted property, nicked food and there’s marks all over the place. Third striker so I reckon best she just give us a cough so we can get home. I want an early finish ‘cos I’ve only been here for 18hrs”.  Part timer thought @crimsolicitor.

They then had to wait for a consultation as Goldilocks decided her she hadn’t had her methadone and needed to see the medic. Then because of previous self harm they had to call out an appropriate adult. It was then changeover time in custody so after another six hours @crimsolicitor got to speak to his client….

 Part 2 – Consultation and Interview

DC Billy Gruff slumped down in his chair and grinned.   He had that look on his face that CID officers have when they think they are on to something; a  grin that says “You might think you’re clever but we’ve got her now and no amount of your weasel words is going to help”.  Well we’ll see about that then.

Gruff threw a single piece of paper across the desk, leaned back in the chair, and started to stroke that stupid little goatee beard of his.

“Here’s the disclosure, your client’s been found in the gaff, she’s busted property, nicked food and there’s marks all over the place.   Third striker so I reckon best she just give us a cough so we can get home.  I want an early finish ‘cos I’ve only been here for 18hrs”.

@crimsolicitor tuned out DC Gruff’s bleating, he was always moaning about how hard he works and telling everyone what a good copper he was.   Smiling, he thought about the story that had gone round the nick a few months back, by all accounts that troll gave DC Gruff a good scare as he had gone trit trotting across that bridge.

Scanning the typed sheet there was nothing much on there that he had not gleaned from the custody record and the quick chat he had with the custody sergeant.   The sheet had the usual heading, they were withholding some information to test the truthfulness of the clients version, and were not prepared to disclose anything else.  Still it was always worth a shot.

He asked about statements from Mr and Mrs Bear and what had been taken from the house.   “Of course we’ve got bloody statements, Mrs Bear was fuming, almost gave her a heart attack going upstairs and finding your client asleep in her son’s bed she said.   Your girl’s lucky that Mr Bear didnt rip her head off.  Still if he had we would have had to arrest him and let him go wouldn’t we?   Home owner protecting his property from the nasty burglar and all that.  Might have done us all a favour”

“You’ve seized her clothes, what about the forensics, you done them yet?”

“I’m not prepared to disclose that” Gruff said.  Which meant, they had taken prints but they had not been matched yet.   Cut backs and the closure of FSS meant there was no money to rush them through any more.

“What about the s18, anything found there?”    Again Gruff trotted out the line he wasn’t going to disclose that at this stage.   If they had  found anything then he would have said, @crimsolicitor thought, another allegation meant the possibility of another detection.  It was all about the stats.

“What did you say was taken? Did they find it anything on her?”

“I didn’t, and I know your game, if it’s not on the sheet I’m not telling you anything else.  Come on she was in the house, what more do you need?”

Well he had, nicked food he had said.    Assessing what they had at the moment @crimsolicitor gave himself a moment to assess the case.  She was found in the property, chairs smashed and porridge eaten.  She had been arrested in the house but they had seized her clothes, so that would be to look for gingerbread crumbs to prove she had forced entry.   Nothing taken but food eaten and the there were some chairs smashed.   Better ask her about them, Mr Bear was a big old boy and he grabbed hold of her waiting for plod, perhaps there had been a struggle?

“Best have her out then”

“You’ll have to wait, she’s seeing the Doc, she needs her meth’ she says and we need an AA ” DC Gruff sighed “Think I should just crack on with her now meself, but apparently she has rights”

Eventually, having seen the doctor and been given a couple of paracetamol to take the edge off and having had a chat with Snow White, the AA Goldilocks shuffled into the consultation room.

She would have been a good looking girl once, the she met The Big Bad Wolf and hair, make-up, clothes and self-respect gave way to the need to feed a habit.   Petty theft, a couple of fights with some other girls, drugs possession and then more recently burglaries had all taken their toll.   The blonde hair was now a scruffy mop on her head, not helped by eighteen hours in the cell.

“I aint done nuffink, I aint saying nuffink and I want that hairy old man arrested, have you seen these bruises.   Dirty old perv grabbing me up like that”

@crimsolicitor let her vent a bit.   Always best to let them get that bit out of the system first before getting down to the details.  He explained what he could do for her in that regard but having in mind she was asleep in his sons bed not much was going to happen to him.

Having completed the usual paperwork, explained why he was there, he went on to explain the law in relation to the various offences.

“I never broke in, that’s a lie, that is.   The door was already broken and open wasn’t it.  Looked like there had been some big fight inside, the chairs all over the place, one of them broken.   I reckon the old man had a go at his Mrs or the boy and they ran off.  He followed them, get ’em back to the house and have another go.  That’s what I think.”

So why did you go in then?

“Just being a good citizen you know.   There’s me walking in the woods, sees a house with the door done in and I wonder whats the crack then.  I only stuck my head in see what’s up that’s all.”

So did you touch anything?

“Well I had a look around you know.   See what’s the score, and I sees the chairs all knocked about.  I see that the food has been left and I think that something bad must have happened so I goes to see if there is anyone upstairs and think that’s a comfy bed.  I pulled an all-nighter last night and think well I’ll just lie down and wait for them to come back.  Look after the house like.  And thats that”

“The police say the doors were secure, the chairs were fine and that none of the food was touched before the Mr and Mrs Bear left.”

“Well they would do wouldn’t they?   I telling ya, them doors were broken in and that chair was all broken up.  I aint saying nuffink else, and I aint talking to that bloke Gruff, he’s a wrong un.  Him and that beard of his, always stroking it and giving you that look.  Nah, I know my rights, No Comment all the way!”

@crimsolicitor sighed, “Quite right, you are entitled to go no comment but I need to explain what might happen.  If you are found guilty of this one, then the court are going to give you a three year stretch, it’s your third house burglary.  So I need to make sure you understand what’s going on.   The evidence on this one seems pretty good.   You will need to explain what you are doing having a kip in someones bed, when the doors been broken in and Mr and Mrs Bear were out having their morning stroll.

If you go no comment today and then go to court and tell the court what you told me, then the Judge is going to wonder why you didn’t tell the police that today.  The court might think you just made it up there and then”.

Then there are the forensics, whoever broke that door down is going to have crumbs all over them.   Now if your clothes have got crumbs on them and you can’t explain how they got there, the  court might wonder what have you got to hide.   If you go no comment and Gruff knows that he has your clothes with crumbs all over them, or your forensics on the chairs or on those porridge bowls then he’s going to get all excited and give you a special warning…”

“Ooh, a special warning, like i’m bothered!”

“He will give you a special warning that basically means he has given you the chance to explain why your clothes have crumbs all over them, or why your blood or saliva is on the chairs or the bowls.  Or indeed what you are doing in the house at all.”

“What, so my clothes might have crumbs all over them?   That’s because I had to squeeze through the doorway to check the house out, that’s all.  And I might have had a look at the broken chair to see what’s up.   I poked at the porridge but I never ate it, do I look like a porridge girl to you?

Nah, I’m going no comment that’s it.  I aint coughing nothing, they still got to prove it don’t they? If they dont get that forensic stuff, then they can’t prove it was me who did nothing”

@crimsolicitor put his pen down.   Goldilocks was an old hand at this.  She knew that the case relied on the forensics.   If there wasn’t any then who was to say her story wasn’t right.

An hour and a half later, Goldilocks stood before the Custody Sergeant.

She had gone no comment, and Gruff with that grin told her about the crumbs they had found on her clothes, on the chair and in the bed she was sleeping in.   They had a set of prints from the bowl, he was sure that would come down to her in the end and so she may as well tell the truth.

“In light of the fact that you have only just come out of prison and the number of offences on your record I am going to refuse you bail and put you before the court tomorrow.   Is there anything you want to say about that”

Goldilocks looked up, and said “Yeah, I want a hot chocolate with three sugars and I wanna see the doc again!”

Part 3 – The Verdict

(with thanks to @Bruce2990)

So it came to pass that Goldilocks was remanded overnight in the responsibility of the caring custody sergeant and his many Detention Officers (DO), each with a task specific role: one to answer the phone, another to press the button to open the doors and eighteen others so every prisoner had their own DO. Duty of Care now meant that each DO had his own CCTV screen to watch in case the prisoner looked to be sleeping uncomfortably and needed their pillow plumped or an extra dippy soldier for their boiled egg for breakfast.

The following morning after she had been gently woken by the noise of the early morning drunk in the next cell dry retching into the toilet Goldilocks was sent over to the Magistrates Court where Tom Thumb JP looked down from the bench where he sat on his very high chair.

“What say you Mr @crimsolicitor? You know your client is on her third strike so this is going straight up the road”

“If it pleases your honour” said @crimsolicitor, “I would like to seek bail conditions for my client”

“On what basis?” asked Humpty Dumpty, the grizzled and slightly muddled CPS lawyer, who was rapidly searching through the fifteen case files he had been handed ten minutes previously to find out exactly what and who Goldilocks was and what exactly she had done.

“My client is a young girl with an unfortunate recent past who has stated she is going into a detox program to help her addictions and thereby break her cycle of crime” quoted  @crimsolicitor trying to keep a straight face.

“Excellent” replied the Magistrate, “and when did she apply for this programme?”

In about five minutes time when I get her out of here thought @crimsolicitor. “Oh, very recently your honour” he beamed. “She is willing to be tagged with a night time curfew and report three times a week to the police station”

This was handy for Goldilocks as she was a daytime burglar who liked to get her sleep and she could sign on at the nick which was round the corner from where she picked up her methadone script so she could turn up with her other friends.

“Well that sounds most reasonable” the Magistrate enthused, “Off you jolly well go then m’dear and be a good girl” Mr Thumb then giggled manically as he was led from the Bench yet again. Goldilocks breathed a sigh of relief that it wasn’t Mr Hangem-High on the Bench that day.

Goldilocks walked out of the court knowing full well that it would be at least a couple of days before the monitoring company attended and even when they did, as long as she said there was a fault on the system before she turned it off they wouldn’t bother telling the Old Bill anyway.

So, after the first couple of not guilty hearings at Crown, the speedy fairy tale land court process meant it was a matter of only six months later before the trial loomed.

As usual the defence Case Statement had been promised on a set date and duly arrived the day before trial, a month later. Her defence was simple, she had followed a suspect male who she could only describe as being big and hairy, into the house of the Three Bears and decided to confront him as a concerned citizen. She had squeezed in through the broken door, then, once inside she had picked up a spoon which was on the floor and moved some broken furniture out of the way. On hearing movements upstairs she had gone up to investigate, checking all of the rooms to make sure the trespasser wasn’t there. Tired from her exertions, Goldilocks collapsed onto a bed which is where Baby Bear had found her.

 “Well” said CPS lawyer Humpty Dumpty to Dc Gruff on reading the DCS, “This certainly looks believable. I suggest we move to discontinue and recommend this young lady for a community award”.

“You chuffin’ what?” bleated Dc Gruff

“Well” cracked Humpty,”She’s adequately accounted for the forensics, the circumstances and her being found within the premises. I believe that under the circumstances a Civic Award is the least we can do”

I don’t believe it mused DS Grimm after he had unsuccessfully challenged yet another decision, “Is there no common sense in the world?”

“No boss” Gruff replied “and there’ll be no porridge for Goldilocks either”


Author: crimsolicitor

I am a Criminal Defence Lawyer, committed to providing the best defence I can for those who need it, regardless of their ability to pay...

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